WHY DO WOMEN REMAIN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

Why Don’t They Just Leave?

People who have never been abused often wonder why a person wouldn’t just leave. They don’t understand that breaking up can be more complicated than it seems.

Why women stay in abusive relationships is the wrong question. The questions we should be asking are: Why do men terrorize their partners? Why does the community allow battering to continue? How can we be helpful to women in the process of leaving? A common mistake in understanding domestic violence is to scrutinize the survivor and avoid looking at the perpetrator. People believe that if battered women REALLY wanted to leave they could just get up and go. Many people overlook the environmental barriers that prevent women from leaving and too often focus on psychological "characteristics" of women instead. Although men’s violence is the crucial question, many people wonder why women stay – and advocates of battered women have made the following suggestions. 

Some battered women are held prisoner in their own homes. Assailants use psychological terrorism

and abuse to break down the victims' will to resist and bring them under control. A worthwhile model is the "Stockholm Syndrome", which describes how those who are taken hostage begin to identify with, become attached to, and take the side of their captors as survival reactions to life-threatening situations. Batterers employ knowledge gained in an intimate relationship to attack the woman's spirit, her sense of self worth and thus her ability to resist. Sexual abuse and domination are particularly degrading to the spirit and weaken the capacity to resist. Torture and murder of pets - particularly those special to the woman - is also not unusual. 

Some battered women are forced to stay because they can't afford justice. Getting a personal protection or restraining order may require getting a lawyer -- which usually requires money. Legal aid offices may not necessarily handle divorce, and many do not have the resources to handle divorce and custody cases when domestic violence is involved. Major cuts to legal services have hindered the limited options for legal redress. The assailant may have told her that he will use his income to hire a more skilled attorney who will take her children.

Some battered women stay because they believe in love and they still love their partners. This is hard for people who have not been battered to understand. However, many people have been in difficult relationships (or jobs) they that knew they should leave, but couldn't, or needed time to be able to depart. Love is glorified in our culture. Popular songs and movies reinforce the idea that love is the most important thing in life and people (especially women) should do anything for it. Women may love their partners, and at the same time hate their violent and abusive actions. Battered women need to be reminded that she does not have to stop loving her assailant in order to leave. Some women may be troubled about making it on their own and being lonely. Leaving a batterer may mean enduring feelings of grief and loss from abandoning a circle of friends, family, a neighborhood and a community. 

Some battered women stay because they believe what their assailant is telling them: 

· "You're crazy and stupid. No one will believe you." Or, "You're the one that's sick. You need help. You're hysterical." 

· "I know the judge; he won't put me in jail." Or, "The police will never arrest me." 

· "If you leave, I'll get custody because you'll have abandoned me and the kids." 

· "If you leave, I'll find you and kill you. I'll kill your family, your kids, and your pets. You'll never escape me." 

EXCERPT:  

There was a video released showing Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice punching his then-fiancée, now-wife Janay Palmer so hard that he knocked her unconscious, victims of domestic abuse took to Twitter to explain why Palmer still decided to become Mrs. Rice after the incident.

The tweets give a chilling insight into why many women (and some men) feel trapped in relationships of domestic abuse. Beverly Gooden, a writer who started #WhyIStayed on Twitter, writes on her site that for her, leaving an abusive situation was “a process, not an event.” She explained in a series of tweets the many reasons it took her so long to get out: she once tried to leave the house, but her abuser slept in front of the door to block her; a pastor told her that God hates divorce; her husband said he would change; she needed time to find a place to go and money to survive once she left; she thought love conquered all; she was isolated from friends and family who lived halfway across the country.

Gooden’s story is a common one. One in four women experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, and it is one of the most chronically underreported crimes: only about one quarter of all physical assaults, one fifth of all rapes and one half of all stalkings are reported to the police

There are many reasons why both men and women stay in abusive relationships. If you have a friend in an unhealthy relationship, support them by understanding why they may choose to not leave immediately.

Aside from this danger, there are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Here are just a few of the common ones:

• Fear: A person may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship.

• Believing Abuse is Normal: A person may not know what a healthy relationship looks like, perhaps from growing up in an environment where abuse was common, and they may not recognize that their relationship is unhealthy.

• Fear of Being Outed: If someone is in an LGBTQ relationship and has not yet come out to everyone, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret.

• Embarrassment or Shame: It’s often difficult for someone to admit that they’ve been abused. They may feel they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their friends and family will judge them.

• Low Self-Esteem: When an abusive partner constantly puts someone down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for the victim to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault.

• Love: So often, the victim feels love for their abusive partner. They may have children with them and want to maintain their family. Abusive people can often be charming, especially at the beginning of a relationship, and the victim may hope that their partner will go back to being that person. They may only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely.

• Cultural/Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles supported by someone’s culture or religion may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing shame upon their family.

• Language Barriers/Immigration Status: If a person is undocumented, they may fear that reporting the abuse will affect their immigration status. Also, if their first language isn’t English, it can be difficult to express the depth of their situation to others.

• Lack of Money/Resources: Financial abuse is common, and a victim may be financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, access to resources or even a place to go, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner.

• Disability: When someone is physically dependent on their abusive partner, they can feel that their well-being is connected to the relationship. This dependency could heavily influence their decision to stay in an abusive relationship.

Further, many battered women do leave. Almost all battered women try to leave at some point. For battered women who leave, the violence may just be beginning. Batterers escalate their violence when a woman tries to leave or show signs of independence. They may try to coerce her into reconciliation or retaliate for the battered women's perceived rejection or abandonment of the batterer. Men who believe they "own" their female partners view her departure as an ultimate betrayal which justifies retaliation. Because leaving may be dangerous does not mean that battered women should stay. Cohabiting with the batterer is highly dangerous both as violence usually increases in frequency and severity over time, and as a batterer may engage in preemptive strikes, fearing abandonment or anticipating separation. Although leaving may pose additional hazards, at least in the short run, the research data and the experience of advocates for battered women demonstrate that ultimately a battered woman can best achieve safety and freedom apart from the batterer. Leaving will require strategic planning and legal intervention to avert separation violence and to safeguard survivors and their children. 

Have you experienced such? how did you overcome it?
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